Monday, August 31, 2009

No forgivance

I raised my head to the sound of the doorbell ringing,
When the door opened,the cops were standing,
I knew why they had come at this time,
After all,it was me who had committed the crime.

The cops filed in slowly,
Looking around cautiously,
I kept my gaze low,
My guilt I didn't want to show.

They seemed to see me,but didn't react,
They went to the dreaded place where took place the criminal act,
Not a word was spoken,only nods and gazes,
The tension and pity showed on their faces...

It wouldn't have happened,this heinous murder,
If I hadn't been betrayed by my lover,
Or if I hadn't lost my job,
And if I hadn't lost all hopes..

It wouldn't have happened,if I had given love another chance,
Had believed in myself and taken a stance,
If only I would've been more productive,
The reason for the crime wouldn't have been that provocative..

The cops did their investigations,and I heard what they said,
"So young,this victim!" and for the peace of the deceased,they silently prayed,
But peace has since then left me,and my wrists are slit wide,
I wish I hadn't committed suicide....

Friday, August 28, 2009

What to do?

..."And in this experiment,you are going to calculate the three phase power and power factor"
Err...whats that? Oh well,we aren't supposed to ask such a question.We are 2nd year students and we are supposed to have learned all the three-phase thing in our previous semester.Right.So what do we do now?
Somehow the experiment finished....but my head is still spinning.

What are we doing? I never ever wanted to be just-another-engineer types person.I want to be do a job related to my field of study! As an example,imagine seeing Mechanical Engineers sitting in front of computers! Not only that's due to recession,but that is also the cause of recession in happiness!(I hope you understand this line)

As mentioned earlier in some long-lost post of mine that my aim to be an engineer is because I love to make things work.Most of the equipments in my home are mostly repaired by me only(By the old Indian way of trial and error).So I guess engineering was the thing for me.Seriously,I am so proud and awestruck when I see a shade of pink in a factory/plant full of gray steel/iron(shade of pink is the ladies' colour ! :) )

But if I don't even know the basics then what sort of an engineer would I be?

An engineer is related to creating new things.But the tragedy of my life is that after getting to know about global warming and all such things,I really think creating new things is a waste.Now,what would I do if my identity (identity in the future,I mean) clashes with my belief?

And if all this is not enough,my head is going through some emotional face-offs that are as torturous as that of a little butterfly that struggles to comes out of its cocoon.(is the spelling right?)

What to do? What comes first? A peaceful mind or a clear mind?(Clear in the sense that I am clear in my concepts!)
Do emotions take a backseat when it comes to career? How do I console myself when I see that the "just-an-electrician" are much more aware about all the basics than the rest of us students put together? Why is it that we don't take our course/field of study seriously even though our whole future identity depends on it?

..."In the next experiment you are supposed to study the characteristics of a transistor in CB configuration"...
Oh God!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Love yourself! :)

Each morning,I wake up thinking about you,
Wondering what wonderful thing you would do,
And make this day bright and colorful,
Oh! With you,life is beautiful!

I hate to hear you groan or sigh,
I hate to see you cry,
I love you more when I see you being brave,
I love you more when,at times, you suddenly stop being naive

You have got your own space,you have got your style,
I love it when you want others to be happy all the while,
You have many abilities and some not,
But its more than sufficient whatever abilities you've got.

I complain,I grumble,
I shout,I stumble,
But I am glad I have you to show me my way,
I am so happy to see your face in the mirror everyday...:)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kindly don't think I have got a Multiple Personality Disorder or something like that.Usually,or rather mostly,good things happen when you start believing and loving yourself.

Is that vanity?No! Vanity is just the feeling of fake superiority of oneself over others.But loving oneself is living life without caring much about what others say about you!

So,Be Yourself! :)

Hey Aishwarya! Is this poem length okay?? :D

Happy Week Ahead! :)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Tears of RAGE

When I was small,I was known amongst many for my bad temper.I would beat up my classmates,I would throw things around,scream like a girl gone mad,break things,stop eating,slam doors and so on.

Of course,my parents used to have a tough time controlling me...because when I was in the "angry-mode",there was no stopping me.People used to try to quieten me saying "You are a girl,you should be tolerant and demure,not fierce and angry!Such tempers are bad for you",and that used to make me more angry.

I was of the notion that when one is angry,he or she should just vent it out.And thats what I did.

Eventually,I cooled down,though not too much.Nowadays when I am very very very angry,I just keep silent or cry.People think me I am weak and all,but theres no other way to control the destruction that would follow my temper.

But at times,I feel-without any reason-uncontrollable,each cell of my body screams to tear something apart,my hands are anxious to throw something,and my voice wants to come out of the lungs in ultrasonic waves and just scream.

And all this happening in the middle of a boring lecture in my college!

I can't cry,I can't scream,I can't bang my desk,I can't throw my notebook,I can't scream and run away from my class...although all these seem very much the better options!

Eventually,I feel tired,worn out,like I have been given an injection for my adrenalin to lessen.But I have to keep my head up through another class too...oh God!

And hence come out my poetry that you all have (not all) have read below this post.

After the classes,I just go to my room,and pretending to be asleep,I cry.I cry and try to sooth my bursting head,try to find what exactly caused this strange anger which starts as abruptly as it ends.And I get no answer.

When in earlier days,I used to read the term "Tears Of Rage",I never understood how any person can cry being angry! But,it happens.

The reason for my anger is not the lecturers (Although I would like to think so) nor my college.
And one more thing...I was born on the day of Shiv Ratri :P (HeeHee)

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Where Do I Belong?

The sun rises high, and the new day dawns.
This day is the 62nd Independence Day of the great nation called India.And I am proud of it.
But somehow,the pure joy and thrill that I used to experience during Republic Days and Independence Day isn't here this time.Why? Have I ceased to be Indian? No,I still love my country loads,and would die unshuddering for it if the need came.Then why this sudden indifference?

Nowadays,nothing touches me.Friendship Days,Valentine Days,New Year's Day,even my Birthday,or any festivals.They are,sadly,just numbers,and I look at them with grim eyes and just think of them as holidays.Nothing more.Does that mean I am not patriotic or human enough?

Well I don't know.But what I do know that Indians are pretty bad at knowing the geography/history/civics of their own country.
"Is Telugu spoken in Tamil Nadu?"
"Is Haryana in India?"
"Is the North-East really habitable?"
"Do the people in the North really eat only Burgers and Pizzas?"
"Do the people in the South always eat Idli and Dosa?"

Many people...or rather most people have come to terms with these questions and have disregarded them as the other's ignorance.But...yours truly does get hurt!

My life history goes like this: First 10 years of my life spent in Mathura (U.P),next 6 years in Guwahati (Assam),and 2 years in Panipat (Haryana),and 1 year (3 more to go!)in Chennai(Tamilnadu).
I would like to mention here that although many would be cynical that I have so openly told about my so-called-life-history,but seriously,no one can trace me to my place with those vague knowledge I have provided :P

I am originally from Tamil Nadu.I am proud of it.You can see me boiling with rage when someone says anything wrong about my place.I fight endlessly when someone says that Telugu is the language spoken in Tamil Nadu.I always brag about the great personalities of the state and tell tall stories about them as if I have literally lived in their neighbourhood.I always tell them about the difference in beliefs of the Southies and Northies.That should make me a good Tamilian,I guess.

But its not so.I hate it even more when people ask me "Oh God! How have you lived in the North-East this long? Isn't it dangerous?" And I feel like saying "Sure its dangerous.Its dangerous because nice people live there and you may fall in love with them.Nice scenaries are there and you may never want to lose sight of them."
I want to ask them "What do you know about the North-East?".

And even more than that...I hate it now when I hear someone say "I hate the Northies.They just don't have any culture".What culture are you talking about? The culture that permits you to joyfully stop the education of women so that the men are favoured? The culture that crushes the imaginative minds of young children and makes them all robotic and inhuman?

When you don't know about the Bhajans,Keertans,Chaar Dhaams,Padyaatras,the sacredness of Ganges,the purity of faith,the simplicity of prayer without being asked for the gothras and nakshatras,the feeling of festivity which is not restricted to one section of one sect of one faith one religion,then you don't know anything.

When you don't know about the variety of dishes prepared,all from different ingredients,all for a single festival,then you don't know what appetite is.

When you don't understand the sanctity of the three Oceans meeting,the fierce rage of a widow burning a town,the sacredness of a powerfull know nothing.

Sometimes,I feel angry at my life.I wish I would have stayed at one place..and then I would have got that sense of belonging.Knowing a place fully is better that knowing many places in tidbits I believe.

I feel disillusioned at times.This,Chennai,is my native place so to say,But I don't feel I belong.Sometimes I have the urge to run back where my home from what?Earlier,at times such as this,I used to comfort myself...thinking ha! I am a complete Indian then.But now,it takes all my efforts to convince my Head office that my claim may be true.

I guess in the end a person does return to his or her roots.Have I? Where is it that my heart feels secure?
Where do I belong?

"Ae Masakalli Masakalli,Ud Matakalli Matakalli"...a familiar hindi song! I look around to see a small girl singing this song as she passes me by.Perhaps,its not really that bad a condition.
India is,though slowly,indeed growing up.

Monday, August 10, 2009

:(...The beautiful face that lies....:)

When I go to college everyday,
There is this girl whom I meet on my way,
Who is always cheerful and happy,
She is so sweet-she is many girl's envy...

She laughs she giggles she frowns and questions,
And each time,her beauty seemed to have no ends,
She speaks with certainty,she knows what she is doing,
And from her sharp eyes,nothing is ever hidden...

Everyone wants to talk to her,
Everyone wants to listen to her,
She is always liked by everyone,
After all,being with her is always fun...

She returns to her house to find it empty,
She knew her mother was in hospital,ill & weak,
Her father is nowhere around either,
As he is tending to her mother..

Today,she had won a prize for her beautiful singing,
But she has no one to share her happiness of winning,
Friends,she has,who are more jealous than happy for her,
They all think she needs no other...

Each day,she wishes everything would be fine,
Each day,she wishes she would die,
She cannot bear the torture of returning to an empty home,
She cannot bear to be ,each day,in the eye of the storm...

Each night,her pillow is wet with tears,
Each night,her heart wants someone to drive away her fears,
She wished she had friends who would understand and support her,
She wished she had friends who didn't pity her...

All this,I didn't know,till I looked into her eyes,
And the pain that reflected made me realise,
The face and the lifestyle often tell lies...
"Hello! How are you?" I said to her,extending my hand and my friendship,with a warm smile...:)

Have a happy week ahead!!!!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

And I Died As Me....

I was lying on the road,bruised and broken,
I was breathing slowly,I was so shaken,
Somewhere nearby,a child's cry pierced like a whiplash,
But,it was going to live,it was saved from the crash....

"You can't do that",someone had told me at school,
"You can't do anything right,you are a fool"
The little kid that I was,I was taken aback,
And since then,confidence I had always lacked...

"Call the ambulance!" someone screamed by my side,
Someone dabbed my wounds that had split wide,
"You are going to live",someone tried to assure me,
And with that,I returned to my reverie of memories...

"Why you are like this?"my teacher had asked,when I was young,
"Why can't you be like someone else?"and the question had stung,
And since then,I buried my identity,
And always tried to be the person others wanted me to be...

"You will live!" the cry was hysteric,
The blood was so much,it could make anyone sick,
I didn't want to die,Oh Lord forgive me for my sins,
I would never again be myself,but forgive me for the time as this....

"Don't try,its no use,the vehicle is too fast!"someone had shouted,
When I had plunged into the traffic,and saving the child I had intended,
And then pushed the child off the road and away from the traffic,
It was too late when I realized I myself was hit...

All that pain,all the words,came flooding back,
They made me realize of all the things I had lacked,
But suddenly,the pain was gone,I felt peaceful and free,
When finally my heart stopped,I was smiling...I was happy that I died as me....